do not stop seeking

i have been in a bit of a hole today...working and other things. i just saw the news. young people killed. the sense-less-ness of it all. the whys. all the whys.

today, take a moment to sit in the quiet and think of the gratitudes in your life.

in this moment this afternoon, i am grateful for:

the kindness of my husband
the moments when millie puts her head on my knee
the health of my friends and family
the hope that lives in my heart

day 71

monday, march 12, 11:20 p.m.
water with lemon



i breathe. tonight i remember. i breathe.
again. again. again.

grateful for:
friendship
silliness
laughter
deep sighs
fresh veggies

updating

just a note to say i am updating the site. slowly but surely.

i am going to start posting today's post and then will fill in the posts from previous weeks. i will probably start with uploading the polaroids and will then type in the notes from my gratitude journal...

thanks for stopping by to see what i am up to over here with my daily polaroid gratitude project...

day 70

day 69

day 68

day 46

day 45

day 44

day 43

day 42

day 41

day 40

day 39

day 38

day 37

day 36

day 35

day 34

just a note to say...

i am still taking a polaroid every single day. and writing a few words about the moment and a list of things i am grateful for. i am just behind in scanning them and sharing them. stay tuned...stay tuned...

day 33

it’s February 2 around 10:00 p.m. and i am sleepy. body needs water and sleep…



i am grateful for: a good day with barb, blue sky, my husband’s kind heart, the promise of sleep.

day 32

it’s february 1 around 8:30 and I am drinking peppermint tea enjoying the companionship of my husband and his mother who is visiting for a few days. after another intense day, it is nice to be able to just settle in for a deep breath surrounded by love and to know you are not alone.



i am grateful for opportunities, hope, slippers, flannel pj’s, and cheese.

day 31

it’s january 31 at 9:35 p.m. it has been a long day. a hard day. i am tired. as i drink decaf genmai-cha, i just can’t help but think about how old and tired i feel. tomorrow is another day, as they say…



i am grateful for my favorite yoga pants, m&ms, breathing, moving forward.

day 30

taking a break to breathe in the scents of a spiced chai latte…to breathe, to breathe, to breathe.



i am grateful for words, truth, silliness, hugs, hope.

day 29

it’s january 29 at 4:05 p.m. on a break I ran some errands and picked up a vanilla soy latte at starbucks, but it was only lukewarm, so i heated it up at home and am drinking it in my new favorite mug. a present from one of jon’s students. the colors make me so happy. i love pink and red together and my current muse is green. i am simply in love with green. it is kind of odd. even though the trees are christmasy, i am going to use this mug all year. I have been working all day and feeling stressed so this deep breath seems to be right on schedule.



tonight, i am grateful for:
the quiet
my little room
my little room
purple walls
freedom

day 28

it’s 8:30 p.m. on january 28 and i am sleepy, sleepy as i drink my spiced chai latte. i am ready for bed and chilly but work must get done before i can “hit the hay.”



i am grateful for blue sky and seeing the mountain today.

day 27

it’s 11:30 p.m. on january 27. i sip decaf ganmai-cha and think about my day. a good day. friendship, creativity, brainstorming, color, laughter, sharing, all the good stuff. then an evening with millie and jonny. watching a movie, then all three of us settle into the little room. millie slept while jonny graded and i created stuff. a really good day. even though i sometimes wonder why the heck i am taking these pictures and I think about how they aren’t that great and how expensive the film is and how i hate how i look and how i don’t know how to take “artistic” polaroids and all that, i am grateful for the “forced” deep breath so that i can remember the good stuff.



i am grateful for home, beads, blue, a new moleskine daily planner, 27 days of ritual

day 26

it is january 26 around 10:20 p.m. a delicious cabernet. good companionship. a poetry slumber party. what more could you need on a friday night?



i am grateful for:
conveyer belt sushi
peace in the midst of grief
giggles
good talks

day 25

date: january 25
time: 10:10 p.m.
drinking...scratch that...eating: chocolate and chocolate chip mint ice cream
taking a (super brief) break: from editing, editing, and more editing
getting ready: to get back to editing
listening: to the dialogue on Men in Trees
grateful: for friendship, my mom, a wonderful lunch with a friend, bottles of buttons that adorn my little room, my husband’s kindness, the hope of spring



(note to self: step away from the camera by just a few more inches.)

day 24

it’s around 10:10 p.m. on january 27 and i am sipping tazo chai tea from the comfort of my new not-so-little chair in my little room. i am so happy to have finally created a space just for me. i had to reorganize again though because the chair didn’t fit in the corner i had planned but it is in here all the same. i will be done with the major organization stuff soon i hope. i might just take all the rest of my photos from this chair…



i am grateful for:
a place of my own
william stafford
my green fingerless gloves from kristen
sushi
remembering to bring in the silly (dancing with jonny in the kitchen)
the grief
the wonderful conversation i had with my mother yesterday

day 23

it’s january 23 and almost midnight. i am grumpy, tired, weary, and steps away from depressed. i didn’t capture my mug in this picture but i am drinking genmai-cha from my purple moose mug.



i am struggling to find gratitude but am finding gratitude for:
tea
warmth
slippers
quiet

day 22

it’s january 22, just shy of 9 p.m. and i am listening to paul simon sing “wartime prayers.” “because you cannot walk with the holy if you’re just a halfway decent man.” thinking about: letting go of judgment even when people hurt you. “i want to rid my heart of envy, cleanse my soul of rage before i’m through.” thinking about: a moment when i tapped into rage last month. it was the first time i have ever truly allowed myself to feel rage. it was scary, but letting it out of me, instead of letting it fester, has changed me. a pivotal moment in my life. “i’m tryin’ to tap into some wisdom. even a little drop will do.” i pause, breathe, take another sip of this honeybush caramel tea, and say a prayer for some of this wisdom.



tonight, I am grateful for:
packages filled with goodies
new fabric
taco del mar for dinner
a day warm enough to go outside in just a sweatshirt

day 21

it’s sunday, january 21, around 9:55 p.m., and as i sip decaf genmai-cha and wish the weekend wasn’t almost over. i am thinking about how happy i am to be creating, sewing, playing. i am so lucky. but i am also just a little tired…and wishing i didn’t feel pulled in many directions at once.



today, i am grateful:
for time spent singing and sewing
that the cut from the rotary cutter wasn’t as bad as it could have been
finishing a project (a new bed for millie)
feeling content
brightly colored tulips

day 20

it’s 7:45 p.m. on saturday night, january 20, and after a day of running around and trying to do a bit too much, i take a break for dinner at doc watson’s with my husband and enjoy a pint of hammerhead. i am feeling content to be in the city with my husband but am feeling old as we get ready to go and hear my brother’s band play…will we be the oldest people there? i am also quite excited as i anticipate consuming doc watson’s mini-burgers.



i am grateful for:
how happy my brother seems
a day with blue sky
brainstorming ideas in the car together
buttons

day 19

just shy of midnight on january 19, i hear myself singing paul simon’s song, “once upon a time there was an ocean,” and as i watch this picture develop, i realize i have captured millie in this one. totally not intentional, however, i still never know what this camera is going to capture…other than me and my darn shadow. even though it is late, as i take another sip of decaf genmai-cha, i think about how taking this time to just breathe and think feels like such a gift to myself.



tonight, i am grateful for:
my friendship with dana
laughter
ideas flowing (i can’t seem to stop them)
taking time to create
a really nice evening with my husband

day 18

it’s january 18 at 4:10 p.m. and i am pausing in the midst of writing a poem to let my brain recharge a bit as i drink genmai-cha. i can hear the sounds of the kitchen as the fridge groans and whirs. i am balancing the camera in the cupboard on a plate, and i am laughing inside at all the places i have balanced this little camera to take these pictures. laughter is a nice way to pause in my day.



i am grateful for:
pink
fabric
tears
hope
truth

day 17

it is january 17 around 3:55 p.m. settling in for more work with a cup of ginger tea, i take a moment to just breathe in the ginger scent and look at the window. jonatha brooke sings and as the song ends, i hear a robin sing out there in all that snow.



Today, I am grateful for:

emails from dear friends
the melting of the ice of our streets (not gone but getting there)
the opportunity to teach yoga
chili
glasses of cold water
the night of sleep to come

day 16

it is just shy of 10:00 p.m. on january 16. i am in my little room; it just makes me so happy to be in here. “i am taking a breath full of peace and compassion and sending it to my dear friends who need it tonight.” i was actually thinking this as i looked into the camera…i guess because this exercise does feel a but like i am pausing to have tea with a friend when i take these polaroids. of course, this is a break with the friend who is me. but also a friend, like maureen, who is out there and might see this photo and know i am especially thinking of her tonight. on a much more shallow note, i am going to drink the rest of the chai latte with denny crane and the rest of the wacky folks on boston legal.




i am grateful for:

laughter
another snow day (jon has been off from school since thursday)
being snug at home
moments when i feel pretty
words

day 15

it is 10:40 p.m. on january 15, and i am once again enjoying a cup of tazo chai. this may be my new favorite late night dessert. i am quickly snapping this picture in the kitchen as the camera balances on the blender because i am taking a break from work to watch the last few minutes of the golden globes and i don't want to miss anything. the look on my face reflects my “shrugging of the shoulders” thoughts on sacha baron cohen’s words during his speech. goodness. i am too young for this.



I am grateful for:
ikea
sushi
my husband and his willingness to go get sushi for me
millie’s sleeping body (her ear is hurting and i am so glad she was finally able to go to sleep)
getting it again and again and again

day 14

it is january 14 around 11 p.m. and i am enjoying a tazo spiced chai with vanilla soy milk. my first time liking soy milk (i usually just drink it in coffee lattes). i am feeling very content because I am here in my little room sitting on the floor. this means that i have cleaned it up enough that there is room on the floor. oh it is delightful. i am laughing because as the timer was blinking, i was singing, “i like to take my time i mean for when i want to do a thing i like to take my time to get it right. i mean i just might make a mistake if i should have to hurry up, and so i like to take my time.” the words go something like this. a song from my childhood that was sung by Mr. Rogers. As the timer was going, i realized i was going to capture myself with my mouth wide open so I started laughing and paused with this grin.



i am grateful:
that i suddenly hear the vacuum running today (thanks to my husband).
that we were able to get to the store.
that we did not get into a car accident in our neighborhood as we slipped and slid all over the place.
for a fantastically good starbucks vanilla latte.
for several great phone conversations today. i feel loved.

day 13

it is january 13 around 9:30 p.m. and i am in my little room drinking chinese flowers tea, taking a break from a day filled with work, organizing, a nice chat on the phone a really good meal, and some blogging. i hear myself sigh because i am finally making some progress with this little room.



i am grateful for:

the hope for fewer excuses
warm hands
my husband’s help
truth
sticking with something
encouragement

day 12

it is january 12 about 5:30 p.m. i'm taking a breath and warming up in the living room after walking outside trying to catch a glimpse of the comet. it is freezing and very slippery out and even though we walked for about 1/3 of a mile, we had no luck. i am drinking hot cocoa, and as i took this picture i felt refreshed from a walk outside and a break from editing chemistry (of all things). but i just burned my tongue (is that chemistry?), so i am annoyed and in pain. (i think tea invites more waiting and less quick consumption).



i am grateful for:

my green scarf
polka dot knee socks
my brother
another snow day
memories
hope for peace

day 11

it's january 11 around 4:50 p.m. i steal a moment to myself, pausing to soak in the joy of a snow day. i only hear the heater blowing but in my mind i am singing, "snow, snow, snow, snow, snow" from the movie white christmas. i miss my brother as i drink hot cocoa and remember sledding. and i am laughing because i see how many marshmallows i have in my mug. can you have too many?



i am grateful for:

a snow day (so my husband is home)
william stafford
a conversation with michelle
the gift of words

day 10

it’s 2:10 p.m. on january 10. as usual, i find myself sitting on the couch in the family room taking a break from work. it is so cold today; a snowy day, i wear my hood as a cocoon as i have wrapped myself in my grandmother’s fleece vest that my mother just sent me. i am warming up. i hear the whirring of the washing machine and breathe in the scent of the china green tips tea sent to my by a friend. i am warming up.



tonight, i am grateful for:
my kind husband
a moment that found me lying in the street making a snow angel (not enough snow in the front yard yet…it all melted today…though it is now a few inches deep again)
my belief that healing can be sent out into the world
laughter
friendship

day 9

it’s 12:30 p.m. on january 9 and i am sitting at the dining room table, drinking genmai-cha tea, taking a break from editing. the house is still clean. this invites such a sense of calm in my heart. i can hear the ticking of the clock, millie’s breathing, cars on the highway, and a siren. the soundtracks of a moment, a breath.



it’s 9:00 p.m. on january 9 and i decide to take another photo to pause and take in the feelings of another moment in my day. taking a moment to make a cup of hot cocoa with marshmallows. feeling light and simply happy from a conversation with a friend. two different conversations this afternoon/evening have reminded me that i am on my path. i sit on the couch in the family room and snuggle in to watch “house.” a good evening awaits.

i am grateful for:
attempts at acceptance of photos of myself that i do not like
compassion
fresh air
tulips

day 8

it's january 8, around 5:30 p.m., and i am enjoying a mug of earl gray before jonny gets home. i hear the hum of cars as they drive by; neighbors returning home from work. in the distance, i hear the honk of a canadian goose. my heart feels light after a wondrous "chat" with a blogger. as though we have known each other for a long time, picking up a conversation from where it left off two life times ago.



i am grateful for:
stopping everything to sit in the quiet
people who invite me to simply speak my truth (and they aren't afraid)
my warm blue sweater i have been wearing all day long
the promise of what lies ahead
izze sparkling apple juice

********

(i tried to post today's post (january 9th's) too. but my computer is being difficult. and now i can't get into flickr. so more tomorrow)

day 7

it is 9:20 on january 7. i am sitting in the living room at our dining room table, taking a break from work, feeling my chest lift as i take a deep breath, and listening to the whirring of the dishwasher. i feel a little sleepy but good and as i take a drink of genmai-cha, i think about how lucky i am.



tonight, i am grateful for:
chocolate
my friend heather
letting go
digital cameras
a clean house
cuddles on the couch

day 6

it is 11:15ish on january 6, and i am pausing for a (quick) break from playing a boardgame with friends to make a cup of decaf genmai-cha tea and take this picture. i can hear them laughing in the other room as my husband tells a story. my heart feels lighter and my mind is energized by our time together tonight. seeing jon so relaxed with friends is blissful really.



tonight, i am grateful for:
laughter
a pretty clean house
friendship
time
mango margaritas

day 5

it’s january 5 around 10:30 p.m. and i am taking a break from cleaning to drink some peppermint tea and eat a bowl of ice cream, then i am going to curl up on the couch to watch an episode of “house” with jon. i am feeling content with a side of melancholy (but not in a bad way). the soundtrack to this moment is the rain falling, always falling, on the roof.



today, i am grateful for:
blood drawn on the first try
cargo pants
the moment when you know it is time for bed (and you can just go to sleep)
magnets
moments spent playing with millie

day 4

it’s january 4 around 10:15 p.m. i am tired and feeling a bit, the word that is coming to me is downtrodden. earlier I felt strong as I shared some of the moments of my day with a friend…but now, i felt a bit helpless. the mood of another shaping my mood. so i will drink this genmai-cha and watch some television (with jeero and moxy) and work a little longer and then go to bed.



today i am grateful for:
a meal eaten at the table
the words of poetry thursday participants
how i feel when the house is a bit cleaner
ideas that brainstorm with one another in my mind
talking on the phone with a dear friend earlier this evening…
and then crying tears of validation as i read her blog later, an hour after i wrote the words above, and i see myself rise up from my helplessness. i am not alone. (silly me)
remembering to breathe
peanut butter and chocolate ice cream from baskin robbins

Day 3

it is january 3. i am thinking about the school shooting, where a young teenager was killed, just a few blocks away from where i sit in our little home.
i stare into the mug of genmai-cha tea and think about my husband, unexpectedly home because of a migraine, and am hopeful he is fine. that his health…that he is fine. the way the migraine manifests as stroke symptoms terrifies me.
i close my eyes and listen to the weepies sing, “rocks and water,” and i think about the line that i often sing at the top of my lungs, “the devil he wore such a fine, fine shirt, and it stayed so clean while he dragged me through the dirt.”
it is on these days that gratitude must be uncovered, even when it sits right in front of me.



today, I am grateful for:
the kindness of jon’s boss
warm socks
poetry thursday
the first twenty minutes of “the view”
leading my students through a compassion meditation
the promise of the sunrise

day 2

it’s january 2 around 2:30 p.m. i am drinking genmai-cha tea on the couch at home, listening to “living yantra” from the album sound yoga, thinking about the phone conversation I just had with my cousin jeremy, and getting ready to enjoy a late lunch of edamame, goat cheese and sun dried tomatoes on crackers, and an apple. this month i am focusing on bringing more ritual into my life. hopefully, one way will be through eating during the day. remembering to eat is the first step. then, pausing to think about what my body wants me to eat for breakfast and lunch and not just sitting with my laptop on my lap munching on something mindlessly as I work. this little meal is one step in the right direction.



today I am grateful for:

millie’s watchful face
family
positive moments
pizza and beer
laughing out loud
candles
quiet